Bikini Retirement Project

It is time, I feel, to hang up my bikini. Possibly for good, possibly not. But definitely for the moment.

My massively over-structured, brightly coloured boob-hammocks are to be consigned to the back of the knicker drawer for the rest of days. Or until such time when I win the lottery and I can have a personal trainer 3 days a week then I’ll be fit and lean. I shall then prance around without any worry of my muffin top knocking out a small child in the vicinity or the elastic on the highly-engineered-ultra-strained bikini top finally giving way and displaying my norks for everyone to see.

This is purely a vanity thing. I’m not fat. But I am bored of being in a bikini and walking around with one arm around my slightly wibbly-wobbly tummy bit. After a wedding, a couple of weeks ago, there was only one way to cure the next morning’s hangover and sitting in a sun lounger in 28 degree Isle of Wight sunshine wasn’t working. So, I slipped on one of my mother’s swimming costumes. “Slipped” ha! Whatever! Squeezed and hoped it didn’t split is a more accurate description (mother is a svelte, slender lady). Off I toddled down to the beach for a dip in the Solent. Despite the costume being a combination of every colour that doesn’t go with gingers and mum not having quite the, umm, front that I have inherited it was blissful to not have to worry about any form of belly wobble.

So, having spent many years searching for the best bikini for someone of my shape, the search begins for a swimsuit style that won’t make me look 103 years old or like I’m wider than I am tall. The problem is, I don’t have a thigh gap. Frankly I don’t want one, I’d look weird, massive boobs and then no fat anywhere else… It would be odd. But swimming cozzies look so good on skinny people who who’ve had their thighs photoshopped and can stand like this. Because we all stand like this at the beach don’t we girls…


I’ve bought this one. The lady in the picture looks great. Her thighs haven’t been turned into breadsticks and her boobs look normal. Question is, can I get away with a plunge this deep without looking like I’m on the beach touting for business. I’ll let you know.


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