How not to make pizza…

IMG_5299After my first post in a while with the promise of some healthy recipes, I confess that I am a firm believer that Sunday evenings are not, and never shall they be the time to start being healthy. So it was that we made our own pizzas complete with homemade dough. I followed a Jamie Oliver pizza dough recipe and made up my own passata – i’m not going to give the recipe for anything because, well, just keep reading.

Here is the definitive guide on how not to make pizza.

  • Do not, when following Jamie Oliver’s pizza dough recipe that makes 8 pizzas; assume it’s for 8 very small pizzas so only half the quantities even though you’re only cooking for two. It is for 8 normal sized pizzas
  • Do follow the recipe when you’ve done your quantities, it works rather well and the dough rose beautifully
  • Do not fry any green bits you plan to put on the pizza such as kale or spinach in butter beforehand – it’s too rich for a pizza and will go soggy
  • Do not, under any circumstances open the packet of mozzarella before you need it. That stuff is way too easy to snack on – thankfully we had more as the first ball didn’t last until topping time
  • Do not fail to flour your kitchen surface appropriately leading to your pizza getting stuck
  • Do not try and drag a heavily laden un-floured pizza onto a hotter than the sun oven tray. it will sizzle and tear and generally get very messy
  • Do not then, in desperation, flip the whole thing to create the worst Calzone ever made with leaky bits that you can’t block because the sodding oven tray is so hot


  • Do not then attempt to remove said molten oozing ‘calzone’ from the foil – just eat around the foil. Trust me it’s easier and less painful for all concerned
  • Do not believe that the inside part of the dough is cooked – you made enough pizza dough for four pizzas – of course it’s not effing cooked. Just because the tomatoey bits are like molten lava, doesn’t mean the dough is even vaguely cooked
  • Do not then blog about giving yourself food poisoning and spending the next couple of hours locked in the bathroom having nibbled on the not-entirely-cooked sausage meat topping bits and eaten too much undercooked dough

Lessons learnt…

Recipes are there for a reason
As are oven gloves
A pizza stone would have been useful as would making the pizza on some foil to just slide it onto the oven tray

More pearls of wisdom and hopefully a more successful recipe soon…

2 Comments on “How not to make pizza…”

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