Slow-Cooked Gammon


Oh don’t you worry, the irony of calling myself ‘The Modern Wife’ while I am on maternity leave, doing (almost) all the washing, ironing and cooking, is not lost on me. As I sit here wondering if, while Ottilie is sleeping for about three and a half seconds, I can get the ironing done, have some breakfast (despite it being 2pm) or actually complete a blog post, I am fully aware that I am currently light-years away from my work-focused career driven self and living something akin to a Stepford life. Albeit with a much wider waistline and even shorter attention span than I had before, though the tendancy to malfunction is generally quite high.

It’s no longer 2pm – it’s now 10pm two days later…

This recipe is something I cook probably every other week and have done for a while now. I used to buy shredded ham in the supermarket for sandwiches to take to work, but the packet has shrunk so much and the price stayed the same that it’s just not worth it. For the record, this a really, really un-photogenic recipe, so I’m sorry in advance.

Makes enough for lunch for one all week in salads, sandwiches or wraps. Or probably 3 days worth of sandwiches for two, with a bit leftover to chuck in some pasta or an omelette.

You will need a slow-cooker for this recipe

The best time to do this is early evening so you can leave it overnight.

1 x small smoked gammon joint (usually sold in 750g portions)

2 x sticks of celery

3 x garlic cloves

1 x onion

1 x bouquet garni

Rosemary sprigs 

150ml cloudy apple juice (optional)

4 x whole peppercorns 

1 tsp mixed herbs 

1 tsp dried sage (optional)

You can add or remove some of the veg above, it’s totally up to you. I tend to use what’s lying around in my fridge and isn’t likely to get used up in a meal.

  • Roughly chop the vegetables in to large chunks and chuck them into the slow cooker, skins and all. No need to peel the veg – the skins add to the flavour
  • Snuggle the gammon in amongst the chopped vegetables
  • Fill with water until the ham is fully immersed.
  • Set the slow cooker to its hottest setting for 5-6 hours.
  • Once the 5 hours are up the cooker will stay warm until you switch it off. This is why I doing this early evening, then you can leave it overnight and switch it off in the morning
  • After around 12-14 hours in the slow-cooker switch it off at the wall and leave the gammon in the water to cool completely. I found that if I took it out while it was still hot it seized up and was tough and difficult to shred
  • Once cooled, remove the gammon from the cooker and place on a board. Remove any of the fatty outside – this doesn’t taste nice when it’s been slow-cooked! 
  • There are two ways of shredding the gammon. Either, take a couple of forks and shred it like they do in a Chinese restaurant with the crispy duck. Or, using your hands, separate the large parts of the meat and gently squash it in your fingers. You will see the way the meat falls apart and it will be easy to separate into large or smaller shreds depending on how you like it.

This is such good value, it costs around £4 and in the last week I have used it in 2 wraps, 1 breakfast, 1 salad, 2 dinners, some went into my husbands Sunday night pasta and I also adulterated a piece of cheese on toast with it.

Also – buy one of these things for your kitchen. Mum always uses one when she’s cooking steak at home, so I thought I’d give it a try. Somehow, without replacing it with a horrible vanilla and magnolia smell it dramatically reduces the smell of cooked ham when you go downstairs for your coffee in the morning!

Chateaubriand Birthday Dinner

I’ve been writing this post for a week so far. Sitting down to type after a busy day mothering, cleaning and trying to figure out how to loose my ‘mum tum’ while eating a salmon and philly bagel, it turns out, doesn’t work particularly well.

It was just the two of us last weekend. It’s a bit early to have guests, Ottilie isn’t in a routine yet, so dinner is never when we plan it to be. If we’d had guests around we would probably have spent the whole time apologising about the lateness of dinner and getting stressed that Tilly hasn’t gone to sleep yet, she would then probably not settle because we’re trying to do it in a hurry. We would end up drunk, tired and hungry. Not to mention feeling guilty about blaming the baby and guilty about subjecting our friends to a front row seat of new-parent-neurotics. Phew. No. Just the two of us.

Here’s how I cooked the Chateaubriand. It may have been more luck than judgement that it ended up so delicious, but I need to show off somewhere and this lovely blog post is the place. Serve it with oven chips (the homemade deep-fried chips I did were just not worth the hassle) and spinach that I wilted in the residual heat of the pan so it soaked up the beefy goodness. A temperature probe is essential for this recipe, there is nothing worse than buying an expensive piece of meat and over cooking it so it is tough as old boots.

2 handfuls of posh mushrooms (girolles / oyster / portobello)

A bag of spinach

500g (ish) Chateaubriand

2 sprigs of rosemary

A large knob of butter (a tablespoon if you really want to measure it)

1 tbsp light olive oil

  • Take your chateaubriand out of the fridge well in advance of you cooking it so it comes up to room temperature.
  • Pre-heat the oven to 200 degrees.
  • Lightly rub the meat with some light olive oil and season with salt and pepper. I used a salt grinder from the Garlic Farm on the Isle of Wight that has salt, pepper and dried garlic in it – highly recommend it, you can order online.
  • Heat a non-stick pan so it is super hot and place the Chateaubriand to sear on all sides. You’re not looking to cook it through, just brown the outside.
  • Once the meat is browned, pop a knob of butter in along with the rosemary sprigs and fry for a further couple of minutes.
  • Place the whole thing into the oven for 15 minutes taking out every 5 minutes to baste the meat with the butter from the pan. Each time you take the meat out, test the temperature at its centre with your probe – once it reaches 45 degrees (if you like it rare) you don’t need to put it back in the oven.
  • Place the pan on a high heat on the hob, chuck the mushrooms in and fry for 5 minutes keeping everything moving all the time
  • Remove the meat and place it on a board to rest, at this point it’ll be around 55 degrees and while resting it’ll go up to around 63 – 65 degress which will take the meat to rare
  • Brown off the mushrooms and place them on your serving dish
  • Using the residual heat of the pan wilt the spinach and place on the serving dish next to the mushrooms
  • Carve the meat and serve with the chips and a smug, cheffy smile

Salmon & Avocado Tian

Maternity leave. Now that’s a misnomer if ever I heard one. Until now, if I was ‘on leave’ from work I was generally found working on my best beached whale impression by the pool of some Italian Villa. Or I’d be recovering from a self induced ‘oh no, no, it’s not a hangover, I’m just a bit tired’ incident after a evening of over-excitement in the pub.

I’m not complaining, oh no. I’ve never been more tired and emotionally brain befuddled in all my life, but it’s the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. I mean the husband and I have kept a baby alive for 10 weeks now. She’s doubled in size and is even smiling at us on a pretty regular basis, so we must be doing ok right?

Given that my current wifing style is about as un-modern as it gets I thought the first recipe of the year should be a bit of a throwback to a refined version of the recipe I put on my old blog 9 years ago. It’s also the one that the lovely lady who wrote to me used for her Christmas lunch.


Serves 4
(As a starter)

3 Ripe avocados
The juice of 1 lemon
120g Smoked salmon
1 tbsp Creme fraiche
2 tbsp Cream cheese
1 tbsp finely chopped flat leaf parsley
A pinch of Cayenne pepper
Salt & Pepper
Toast to serve with it

The mixtures can all be made in advance and then assembled when you are ready to serve, or when your 10 week old has FINALLY decided that sleep might be a good idea.

  • Roughly chop the salmon and put it in a bowl with the crème fraiche, cream cheese, parsley, ½ the lemon juice, a pinch of cayenne pepper. Season. Mix together.
  • Finely blend the avocados with the remaining lemon juice until it is a smooth paste. The lemon in the mixture will keep it from going brown.
  • Take a 2.5 inch pastry cutter and place it in the middle of the plate.
  • Dollop some of the avocado mix into the ring and spread it to the edges. Gently top it with the salmon mix. When you’re ready to serve take the cutter off and voila. Done.
  • Serve with toast or, if you can be bothered, some Melba toast to add some crunch to the dish, otherwise this dish is a little too denture friendly.

If you don’t have several of the same size pastry cutters, next time you have a small tin of beans, cut the top and botton off give it a good clean and keep it. Then you’ll have two or three which will make plating up quicker and make the dishes more uniform. Just please don’t cut yourself on the tin!

The Modern Wife is back…

I’m back!

As if it wasn’t hugely obvious, I’d kind of given up on the blog.

I’ve written about six different introductions to this which is the first post in many many many months, all of which sound about as heartfelt as a politician’s answers on Question Time. So, I’ll just furnish you with the simple reasons for my absence. In 2018 the husband and I decided to start a family. Techinically we decided in 2017 and started, well, ‘bonking with intent’ I believe is the phrase, last year (I wonder if my Mum will read this). It was a very easy pregnancy, until about two thirds of the way through when it wasn’t.

Ottilie was born in November and now I am one of those people who spends their time telling anyone who will listen about how tired I am and what colour my daughter’s poos are. We have been so lucky, even though she was a teeny tiny little squidglet of a baby (1.8kgs) she’s been incredible and pretty cool, calm and collected, unlike her mother at times!

I’m really hoping I can get back into this blog. I was really inspired and flattered by an e-mail I received on Christmas night from a lovely lady called Felicity who told me a recipe I put on my old blog had saved her Christmas lunch! Pretty cool for a blog I started as a distraction from an unhappy job ten years ago eh?!

So here’s to 2019; new year, same old me but carrying a smidge of additional baby weight but with a re-newed interest in this blogging thing.

Until next time…

Pasta with a side order of Irrationality

I work in what I believe is the greatest profession there is. Hospitality. Which invariably involves dining out or at least drinking out several times a week. But. Since being preggas and not being able to drink, I’ve not really been out.

Not only have I not been out, I’ve let this lack of social life gnaw away at me. To the point where I found myself silently, ferociously resenting my husband for going out, or having a few glasses of wine with friends at home. Until it bubbled over last week into a massive unreasonable, totally irrational pregnant rant to anyone (except my husband obvs) who would listen. So, I’ve basically just been this loathsome, introverted moody bitch at home recently – I’ve known exactly what was wrong and why, but apparently saw no reason to tell my husband.

The worst part… I don’t even want a sodding drink. I currently have zero taste for most wine. So I’ve been silently loathing my husband, poor bloke, for doing something totally normal that I can’t currently do, but don’t actually even want to do.

Hormones suck. I mean it’s utterly ridiculous. Finding yourself crying in the bogs at work because you have no social life, but in reality, are too tired to even dream of going for a drink anyway. Bonkers.

But last week I did it. I dragged my sorry self-centred arse out for dinner with a friend. And didn’t draw breath the entire evening. My poor friend, just sat there while I rabbited on about anything, everything and nothing. All with a massive smug smile on my face because I was defying what I’d talked myself into believing was what you are supposed to do when preggas which is to stay home, go all Stepford Wife and nest.

If there was anything that could cure my introverted loathing of my self-inflicted lack of social life it was going to be a tiny, truffle scented Italian restaurant. And the new Lina’s Stores place on Greek St is utter perfection. So noisy you have to yell across the table and so cramped that it’s like a game of Tetras to get to the loos. But with food so perfect each mouthful has you doing that eyes closed, dreamy faced thing. Oh, and I had a glass of wine. It wasn’t very nice, pregnancy’s fault not theirs. Have the gnudi which are green lumps heavenliness that I could have eaten about 3 plates of.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to dreaming about wine that I don’t want.

Situation Update.

There have been a few changes in the Modern Wife household since I last wrote. I thought I hadn’t written anything since 2017, but it turns out I attempted some healthiness in February. Rest assured good people, it didn’t last long!

However, as I sit typing this post I am surrounded by 5 decorators, 1 plumber, a chippy and a sparky as the builders complete their final day here in our beautiful house. We moved out in January for ‘a couple of months’ to do ‘some work’ on the house. Or at least that is what we told ourselves and everyone else. On returning to the house after a couple of week’s work, being able to see from the second floor to the kitchen it soon became clear two months out wasn’t going to be enough.

Anyway, 6 and a half months later we moved back in to a nearly finished house and today’s the day they finish (almost). Snagging next week then we will have our wonderful house all to ourselves.

So that was change one.

Change two is a little more life changing, and about as lifestyle changing as it gets. We thought it was about time we tried for a baby. I’ve been on the contraceptive pill for over half of my life and I’m over 30, so the statistics all show it was going to take a long time for my body to get back to whatever normality is needed to become a baby-maker. So, we settled in, bought all the ovulation kits known to man, downloaded all the tracking apps and buckled up in for the long haul of monthly suspense and disappointments. We got lucky. A couple of months later, my post-work bottle of wine days came to a temporary end. I’m fairly sure the partying til 3am days are now at a permanent end.

And here we are. Five months pregnant. Surrounded by frantic builders (no they’re not frantic, of course they aren’t, builders are never frantic, despite any form deadline you put on them). Still trying to do it all and struggling like you wouldn’t believe to figure out all this stuff out.

Embracing My Inner Vegan

Happy New Year! Bit late for all that I know. But I’ve been busy alright!? I totally failed at the healthy eating, running and general improvement on my attitude to weighing and measuring my food in the last month of 2017. I did manage to loose weight, which is a tiny upside. I did it through stress, surviving off caffeine and barely sitting at my desk long enough for my lardy arse to absorb any of the three and a half calories I remembered to eat each day. So probably not an entirely healthy way end to the year. It was worth it though. What an absolute blast December was. Work was totally jam-packed every day, we were run off our feet, but god it was good! Stressful, crazy busy but undeniably the most rewarding Christmas season I’ve ever worked.

Aaaaaand that was that.


I did discover this one thing though. Roasted kale ‘crisps’. Yes it’s gimmicky. Yes it’s vegan. And yes, oh yes it’s even good for you. I saw these in Gizzi Erskine’s Healthy Appetite book ages ago and then I saw LizzieLovesHealthy doing it them on Instagram. But could I find Nutritional Yeast…. Could I hell! In hindsight, had I just thought about going into a health food shop I probably would have found it. But these shops aren’t generally on my radar. Anyway, I found it. Eventually. I’m not claiming this as my own recipe – I did it from memory from Gizzi’s book and from Insta stories, so it might be the same but it might not.

This will make a small bowl of ‘crisps’ to snack on with an evening vodka and tonic.

4 stalks of fresh kale

1 heaped tbsp nutritional yeast

2 tbsp good quality olive oil

a sprinkle of chilli flakes if you fancy it

  • Pre-heat the oven to 180c
  • Line a baking tray with tin foil
  • Wash the kale and strip it from the stalk – you just want the leaves for this as they go crispy, the stalks will just dry out and won’t be nice to eat
  • Put the leaves on the baking tray and pour over the olive oil followed by the nutritional yeast
  • Gently rub the olive oil and the yeast onto the leaves so everything has a light coating
  • If you are using chilli flakes or any other flavour addition (you don’t need salt for this the yeast has a salty / cheesy flavour) now is the time to add it
  • Pop the tray in the oven for 10 minutes – no more otherwise your crisps will become so dry they will disintegrate at the slightest touch
  • Once out of the oven tip them into a bowl to serve as crisps with a crisp glass of wine or gin or vodka.

There you go. Something healthy for my first post of 2018. Hopefully this will (re)kickstart my blogging habit…. I still haven’t done any running or any food measuring. That will come later. Maybe.

Cauliflower Rice with Hot Smoked Trout

It had to start somewhere… Monday night saw an omega 3, vitamin B12 and vitamin C rich dinner. Never thought I would type that sentence, ever. I did just spend a good 10 minutes googling the health properties of cauliflower, eggs, kale and smoked trout.

This is one of those types of dish that you make on a ‘we really need to eat more healthily’ whim and it’s not a bad dish, but I couldn’t eat it more than once a month. It’s all just a bit too good for you. If one of the elements was a little less healthy it would be a much more satisfying dish, hence my suggestion below of frying an egg in butter to add not just crunch, but happiness as well.

Yes I know cauliflower ‘rice’ is a naff, gimmicky and generally reserved for smug hashtag clean-eating promoters that everyone loves to hate.


Cauliflower Rice, Smoked Trout & Kale Bowl
Serves 2

450g Cauliflower rice (around one medium cauliflower)
125g Hot smoked trout
1 tbsp sesame oil
4 large leaves of kale, stalks removed & finely sliced
2 eggs
1 tsp miso paste
1 Spring onion

To make the cauliflower rice:

  • Force your face into the smugest, healthiest #cleaneating position you can
  • Cut the florets off the head of the cauliflower and put them in batches into a food processor and pulse it a few times. Remember, with each pulse you must create a new obtuse smug and healthy hashtag or a clean eating fairy will die
  • That’s it. It will resemble mismatched rice. Deliciously Ella, The Hemesleys and countless others are trend setters because they pulsed cauliflower and came up with ridiculous hashtags. There is hope for us mere mortals yet

For the rest of the recipe:

  • Put the cauliflower rice into a non-stick saucepan over a medium heat with a tablespoon of water. Stir, and stir and stir until all the water has been soaked up / evaporated and the cauliflower is cooked
  • Stir through the finely chopped spring onion
  • Pop it in a bowl and set aside
  • In a separate pan EITHER
    • Boil a couple of eggs for 6 minutes so they are soft boiled and then plunge them into a bowl of iced water to stop the cookingOR
    • Fry a couple of eggs with a bit of oil / butter – this is the better option as the oil / butter will make the edges of the egg crispy so adds a bit of crunch to the dish, otherwise it’s all a bit denture friendly
  • Put the kale into the same saucepan you did the cauliflower in and gently fry it off adding the miso paste and sesame oil.
  • In your posh ramen bowls (everyone who has an Instagram account has one of these right??) place the cauliflower rice in the bottom, the kale on top taking up a third of the space. Then the smoked trout in another third and finally one egg per bowl however you cooked it.
  • If you have them a sprinkle of sesame seeds would be great on the dish.
  • Set in front of your husband and reassure him that he can have the leftover cottage pie with a heart attack’s amount of butter in that he was eyeing up tomorrow for dinner
  • Calmly work your way through it trying not to think about the better version you made six months ago with a crispy fried egg, wonderfully salty sautéed pork mince with chilli and ginger and some spiralised cucumber


How not to make pizza…

IMG_5299After my first post in a while with the promise of some healthy recipes, I confess that I am a firm believer that Sunday evenings are not, and never shall they be the time to start being healthy. So it was that we made our own pizzas complete with homemade dough. I followed a Jamie Oliver pizza dough recipe and made up my own passata – i’m not going to give the recipe for anything because, well, just keep reading.

Here is the definitive guide on how not to make pizza.

  • Do not, when following Jamie Oliver’s pizza dough recipe that makes 8 pizzas; assume it’s for 8 very small pizzas so only half the quantities even though you’re only cooking for two. It is for 8 normal sized pizzas
  • Do follow the recipe when you’ve done your quantities, it works rather well and the dough rose beautifully
  • Do not fry any green bits you plan to put on the pizza such as kale or spinach in butter beforehand – it’s too rich for a pizza and will go soggy
  • Do not, under any circumstances open the packet of mozzarella before you need it. That stuff is way too easy to snack on – thankfully we had more as the first ball didn’t last until topping time
  • Do not fail to flour your kitchen surface appropriately leading to your pizza getting stuck
  • Do not try and drag a heavily laden un-floured pizza onto a hotter than the sun oven tray. it will sizzle and tear and generally get very messy
  • Do not then, in desperation, flip the whole thing to create the worst Calzone ever made with leaky bits that you can’t block because the sodding oven tray is so hot


  • Do not then attempt to remove said molten oozing ‘calzone’ from the foil – just eat around the foil. Trust me it’s easier and less painful for all concerned
  • Do not believe that the inside part of the dough is cooked – you made enough pizza dough for four pizzas – of course it’s not effing cooked. Just because the tomatoey bits are like molten lava, doesn’t mean the dough is even vaguely cooked
  • Do not then blog about giving yourself food poisoning and spending the next couple of hours locked in the bathroom having nibbled on the not-entirely-cooked sausage meat topping bits and eaten too much undercooked dough

Lessons learnt…

Recipes are there for a reason
As are oven gloves
A pizza stone would have been useful as would making the pizza on some foil to just slide it onto the oven tray

More pearls of wisdom and hopefully a more successful recipe soon…

Here’s the thing…

Last weekend this Modern Wife was taken to The Pig in Brokenhurst for an ever so romaaaaantic birthday weekend. It was a complete (ish) surprise and was such a wonderfully relaxed weekend that I think I shall take a leaf out of Her Majesty The Queen’s book and have at least two birthdays a year.


Before another massive dinner on Saturday, I was wallowing in a searing hot bath, half filled with bubbles and half with my own middle-class smugness. While sipping on my third, probably organic, vodka and tonic I came to a conclusion about this blog. The conclusion was then backed up after dinner when I couldn’t lean forward or sit up straight without the genuine worry that the button on my jeans was going to pop off  and knock someone out.

Turns out I’m not really any good at writing about things other than food. And, having written a whopping 5 posts in 2016 I may have got a little distracted from writing about restaurant. I’ll leave that to the professionals and the bloggers who do it much better than me. Samphire and Salisfy is generally my go to. Don’t worry – I’m sure there will be still plenty of badly lit, drunkenly half remembered dishes on the instagram page.

I’m going back to what (I think) I am good at. Writing about food. Food that I love and that I cook. But, this time there will be actual measurements on the recipes and portion control will be a thing. My trousers are way way too tight and my husbands shirts are also too tight. It’s mainly my fault as I do most of the cooking and I can’t be arsed to measure stuff, precision bores me.

Don’t fret, it won’t all be brown rice and chia seeds, but the scales and carb free dinners are coming out. As are my trainers, the post run selfies and the spectacular falling off the wagon dishes that will clog even the healthiest of arteries.

Brace yourselves chaps. We’re in for a bumpy ride.